Part 24
A thousand pieces
I asked her if she wanted the complete truth or just the truth
Hilma : Why don't we go with the whole truth and please start from the beginning
Me: I don't want you to judge me or think that I have gone insane
Hilma: You know that I will never judge you, I will just tell you my honest point of view.
Me: Well, if you insist
I know I won't be able to take back my words if I open my mouth and tell her the whole truth but I also know that she won't forgive me if I don't tell her everything, just for her to find out at a later stage. I would hate myself if I ruin my relationship with the big sister that I never had over a guy.
I decided to tell her everything and I mean everything, how I met Samuel and what happened for us to be together. It was even easier to explain everything to her since she already knew about Alex, so I told her my intentions with Samuel. At some point when I was pouring out my heart, I found myself missing Alex all over again, all that we shared and everything he did for me.
I tried not to look at her when I was talking but I couldn't help but notice that she was disappointed and she felt pity for me at the same time. When I finally said all that I had to say, I heard a teardrop fall on the dinner table before I even knew that I was crying.
She came to me and held me tightly, she told me to let it all out and that everything will be okay in the morning when I wake up. Tears started flowing from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it even if I wanted to. I cried so hard that my throat hurt, until no tears were left to cry, my eyes couldn't open and my voice was gone, all I could do was weep. The whole time I was weeping, she held me closely not saying a word and when all my energy has been drained from me over crying, she said this to me:
"Don't be ashamed to weep, it's just right to let the tears flow for they are just water and without water plants, trees, flowers and fruits cannot grow. But there must be sunlight also. Your wounded heart will heal in time and when it does, the good memories you shared with Alex will be sealed inside your heart and they will be there to comfort you whenever it gets hard. Your sunlight is hope that it is only a matter of time before you will be completely healed, you will laugh at yourself for thinking that it will never come to pass and it's on that day, you will know that you are stronger than you think you are. There is no time frame to when that should happen, however; have hope that it will happen.
But for now let's get you bed."
She helped me wash my face and get in bed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get myself to close my eyes, I couldn't stop thinking about Alex, I thought I was completely over him and that I was free to look at other people the same way I looked at him but I guess I was wrong. Hilma was also wrong to refer to my heart as wounded, because;
I am empty, all that I had he took it all away, leaving me with a thousand broken pieces of my heart. I'm not wounded, I am heartbroken. I try to pick them up piece by piece attempting to build muscles each little day. Some days, I don't even have the strength to do it and the other days it hurts so much. I'm not weak, I'm in pain, so much pain that a smile is hard to force at times.
And I don't want memories of him sealed in my heart, I want to forget about him, I do not want to know him anymore, I don't want to be reminded of the best times of my life I had and that it has been taken away from me by the same person who said that he cared about me. I want him out of my heart and mind. I want him gone faraway
**********
I asked her if she wanted the complete truth or just the truth
Hilma : Why don't we go with the whole truth and please start from the beginning
Me: I don't want you to judge me or think that I have gone insane
Hilma: You know that I will never judge you, I will just tell you my honest point of view.
Me: Well, if you insist
I know I won't be able to take back my words if I open my mouth and tell her the whole truth but I also know that she won't forgive me if I don't tell her everything, just for her to find out at a later stage. I would hate myself if I ruin my relationship with the big sister that I never had over a guy.
I decided to tell her everything and I mean everything, how I met Samuel and what happened for us to be together. It was even easier to explain everything to her since she already knew about Alex, so I told her my intentions with Samuel. At some point when I was pouring out my heart, I found myself missing Alex all over again, all that we shared and everything he did for me.
I tried not to look at her when I was talking but I couldn't help but notice that she was disappointed and she felt pity for me at the same time. When I finally said all that I had to say, I heard a teardrop fall on the dinner table before I even knew that I was crying.
She came to me and held me tightly, she told me to let it all out and that everything will be okay in the morning when I wake up. Tears started flowing from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it even if I wanted to. I cried so hard that my throat hurt, until no tears were left to cry, my eyes couldn't open and my voice was gone, all I could do was weep. The whole time I was weeping, she held me closely not saying a word and when all my energy has been drained from me over crying, she said this to me:
"Don't be ashamed to weep, it's just right to let the tears flow for they are just water and without water plants, trees, flowers and fruits cannot grow. But there must be sunlight also. Your wounded heart will heal in time and when it does, the good memories you shared with Alex will be sealed inside your heart and they will be there to comfort you whenever it gets hard. Your sunlight is hope that it is only a matter of time before you will be completely healed, you will laugh at yourself for thinking that it will never come to pass and it's on that day, you will know that you are stronger than you think you are. There is no time frame to when that should happen, however; have hope that it will happen.
But for now let's get you bed."
She helped me wash my face and get in bed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get myself to close my eyes, I couldn't stop thinking about Alex, I thought I was completely over him and that I was free to look at other people the same way I looked at him but I guess I was wrong. Hilma was also wrong to refer to my heart as wounded, because;
I am empty, all that I had he took it all away, leaving me with a thousand broken pieces of my heart. I'm not wounded, I am heartbroken. I try to pick them up piece by piece attempting to build muscles each little day. Some days, I don't even have the strength to do it and the other days it hurts so much. I'm not weak, I'm in pain, so much pain that a smile is hard to force at times.
And I don't want memories of him sealed in my heart, I want to forget about him, I do not want to know him anymore, I don't want to be reminded of the best times of my life I had and that it has been taken away from me by the same person who said that he cared about me. I want him out of my heart and mind. I want him gone faraway
**********
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