Part 20
A thousand pieces
I woke up missing him and today unlike all the other past days, I didn't feel bad about it or perhaps it's because he gave me a bit of hope. For a very long time, I didn't realise that I relied on him for my happiness, so much that I had a breakdown when he left me, taking away my joy and happiness, I guess he took all that he gave me but he left with much more. He left me with nothing but the pictures we took which only makes me feel worse about myself so I would rather not look at those.
Looking at the pictures brings back all the memories and it hurts so much knowing that I won't experience those with him any longer, looking at the pictures reminds me of our last time together, that night when he poured out his heart as we stared at that starry sky. When the stars shone light to us like it was a sign of a bright future together. I guess I should have considered that the night is full of terror too. Thinking about that night only brings me to tears, I once had it all, now even a smile is hard to force. He took it all away, he took my life, he left my heart broken in a thousand pieces.
But I'm sticking to my promise, I will let him go and if I was to cross paths with him again, I will make sure that I don't run into his arms and although it's something I still long for to this day, he will have to know that I can have a life without him and even if it's not the same compared to life with him, I know I will be lying to myself and him but he should know that I don't only live for him.
***********
Back to the day Samuel accepted my offer to be my lover.
**********
This happened in the second week of December, I was spending the holiday at home as usual. I had just gotten my results and I have made it to final year, whether it was good marks or average, I didn't care, I was just glad that I wasn’t going to repeat modules because of a guy. Spending time with my family and doing domestic work was helping me to recover from my misery but it wasn't enough, i needed extra distraction before school started again. Samuel came at just the right time.
Poor guy probably thought I was joking so I had to make sure that he knows that I was being serious and real. And since it was my way of using him, I have to find ways to manipulate him into believing that I'm being real without me getting attached, however I'm going to do it, I will have to try. And if I didn't want to get attached that means I don't have to know about his past relationships or if he was even seeing someone that time, or probably expecting a baby or maybe he has a kid, he could be engaged for all I care but I didn't mind about all that, I have to keep my distance from such information.
What I wanted from him was love and affection to help me move on from something that didn't even exist, to forget the lover that was never mine to begin with, that was all I needed from him. He will have to suffer the consequences of another guy's actions.
He told me that he wanted to have something with me and he had a hard time believing that I felt the same and although I honestly didn't want an us with him, I had to keep up with my act, so we spend the first week debating with each other about that. When we finally came to the same agreement, everything started going smoothly.
He was way too kind and he was being a good boyfriend.
We stepped into new year together talking over the phone because he was in the city, the talk was lovely as he has been to me and I wouldn't have asked for less. It was just a pity because he's still clueless, but I wasn't going to change my mind yet.
I have to go on. I have to finish what I started, my plan was working after all
****end****
I woke up missing him and today unlike all the other past days, I didn't feel bad about it or perhaps it's because he gave me a bit of hope. For a very long time, I didn't realise that I relied on him for my happiness, so much that I had a breakdown when he left me, taking away my joy and happiness, I guess he took all that he gave me but he left with much more. He left me with nothing but the pictures we took which only makes me feel worse about myself so I would rather not look at those.
Looking at the pictures brings back all the memories and it hurts so much knowing that I won't experience those with him any longer, looking at the pictures reminds me of our last time together, that night when he poured out his heart as we stared at that starry sky. When the stars shone light to us like it was a sign of a bright future together. I guess I should have considered that the night is full of terror too. Thinking about that night only brings me to tears, I once had it all, now even a smile is hard to force. He took it all away, he took my life, he left my heart broken in a thousand pieces.
But I'm sticking to my promise, I will let him go and if I was to cross paths with him again, I will make sure that I don't run into his arms and although it's something I still long for to this day, he will have to know that I can have a life without him and even if it's not the same compared to life with him, I know I will be lying to myself and him but he should know that I don't only live for him.
***********
Back to the day Samuel accepted my offer to be my lover.
**********
This happened in the second week of December, I was spending the holiday at home as usual. I had just gotten my results and I have made it to final year, whether it was good marks or average, I didn't care, I was just glad that I wasn’t going to repeat modules because of a guy. Spending time with my family and doing domestic work was helping me to recover from my misery but it wasn't enough, i needed extra distraction before school started again. Samuel came at just the right time.
Poor guy probably thought I was joking so I had to make sure that he knows that I was being serious and real. And since it was my way of using him, I have to find ways to manipulate him into believing that I'm being real without me getting attached, however I'm going to do it, I will have to try. And if I didn't want to get attached that means I don't have to know about his past relationships or if he was even seeing someone that time, or probably expecting a baby or maybe he has a kid, he could be engaged for all I care but I didn't mind about all that, I have to keep my distance from such information.
What I wanted from him was love and affection to help me move on from something that didn't even exist, to forget the lover that was never mine to begin with, that was all I needed from him. He will have to suffer the consequences of another guy's actions.
He told me that he wanted to have something with me and he had a hard time believing that I felt the same and although I honestly didn't want an us with him, I had to keep up with my act, so we spend the first week debating with each other about that. When we finally came to the same agreement, everything started going smoothly.
He was way too kind and he was being a good boyfriend.
We stepped into new year together talking over the phone because he was in the city, the talk was lovely as he has been to me and I wouldn't have asked for less. It was just a pity because he's still clueless, but I wasn't going to change my mind yet.
I have to go on. I have to finish what I started, my plan was working after all
****end****
Comments
Post a Comment