Part 21
A thousand pieces
It was almost time to go back to school and because of that, it means I have to see Samuel soon. It will be for the second time but this time as my boyfriend. I was so afraid and I still have no idea of how I should act around him.
He has been so nice and sometimes it pains me that this is only temporary and it will leave him broken once I leave him or once he finds out that I was only using him. He kept on telling me how he missed me and how badly he couldn’t wait to finally see the girlfriend. I won't lie, I also wanted to see him but I'm mostly afraid that I will see a different person in him, different from the guy I drove with that other day I met him.
I remember him being cute, funny, loving and all those good things but that was only the first day, what if he was only pretending and he's not that kind. He has been a good boyfriend over the phone, I wonder if he is consistent with that, because I can't afford dealing with two heartbreaks at a time, I only have one heart after all. One thing I know is that I will leave him as soon as he starts acting otherwise because I can only deal with one pain at a time.
********
I'm in a process of repairing a heart that has been broken in a thousand pieces by one person who didnt even bother to look back to see if I have started picking up the pieces, a selfish boy who didnt even care about me like he said because if he did, he would have been a gentleman enough to apologise and help me pick up the broken pieces of my heart. He is so selfish that he only thinks about himself and never considered how I felt or if I was even in pain after he left. The saddest part about him leaving is that he never said goodbye, he cuddled me the whole night and he was gone in the morning when I woke up. I would have loved him to tell me that he is going away and that I should either wait for him or I should try moving on from what we had, if it was even something to him.
************
And I know I'm being the selfish one now that I'm only focused on getting myself up that I didn't even think of how it will affect Samuel, what am I even going to tell him when I have finally healed? He is so innocent and doesn't deserve what I'm putting him through. I have been a good person all my life until Alex came into my life. He destroyed me and now I'm about to destroy someone because of the pain he caused me. Now another good person is about to get hurt, just because another person was so self-centred. That's the thing about good people, at times you end up having your life shattered at the expense of another person's actions.
I know that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate for doing what I'm doing but it appears to me that it's the only option that I have left. I am not backing down on my plan just because Samuel is a good person or at least he seems to be. I will continue manipulating him into believing that although it was sort of an arranged unplanned agreement, we can have something real, even if it's not true and it's build on lies. I will continue being with him for as long as I don't get myself attached. I don't know what will happen in the near future or if it will make a difference at all but I'm determined to try.
They say that you will never know unless you try, this path that I have opted to follow will either leave me broken again or I will finally be healed which is my goal, and it's a risk I'm willing to take. Whatever outcome I will get, I will have to accept as it is and it's not like I will have an option anyway but I'm standing firm on my decision.
I'm also a bit afraid that I might like him more than I want to. And because of what I still felt for Alex, I don't want to fool myself into believing that I can feel the same for Samuel, because I know for a fact that whatever I might feel for him will only be lust which will last for a while but I still don't want to be in a position to feel something for someone who is not Alex.
For now I can only say a silent apology to the guy I'm about to leave broken-hearted.
*********
It was almost time to go back to school and because of that, it means I have to see Samuel soon. It will be for the second time but this time as my boyfriend. I was so afraid and I still have no idea of how I should act around him.
He has been so nice and sometimes it pains me that this is only temporary and it will leave him broken once I leave him or once he finds out that I was only using him. He kept on telling me how he missed me and how badly he couldn’t wait to finally see the girlfriend. I won't lie, I also wanted to see him but I'm mostly afraid that I will see a different person in him, different from the guy I drove with that other day I met him.
I remember him being cute, funny, loving and all those good things but that was only the first day, what if he was only pretending and he's not that kind. He has been a good boyfriend over the phone, I wonder if he is consistent with that, because I can't afford dealing with two heartbreaks at a time, I only have one heart after all. One thing I know is that I will leave him as soon as he starts acting otherwise because I can only deal with one pain at a time.
********
I'm in a process of repairing a heart that has been broken in a thousand pieces by one person who didnt even bother to look back to see if I have started picking up the pieces, a selfish boy who didnt even care about me like he said because if he did, he would have been a gentleman enough to apologise and help me pick up the broken pieces of my heart. He is so selfish that he only thinks about himself and never considered how I felt or if I was even in pain after he left. The saddest part about him leaving is that he never said goodbye, he cuddled me the whole night and he was gone in the morning when I woke up. I would have loved him to tell me that he is going away and that I should either wait for him or I should try moving on from what we had, if it was even something to him.
************
And I know I'm being the selfish one now that I'm only focused on getting myself up that I didn't even think of how it will affect Samuel, what am I even going to tell him when I have finally healed? He is so innocent and doesn't deserve what I'm putting him through. I have been a good person all my life until Alex came into my life. He destroyed me and now I'm about to destroy someone because of the pain he caused me. Now another good person is about to get hurt, just because another person was so self-centred. That's the thing about good people, at times you end up having your life shattered at the expense of another person's actions.
I know that I'm being selfish and inconsiderate for doing what I'm doing but it appears to me that it's the only option that I have left. I am not backing down on my plan just because Samuel is a good person or at least he seems to be. I will continue manipulating him into believing that although it was sort of an arranged unplanned agreement, we can have something real, even if it's not true and it's build on lies. I will continue being with him for as long as I don't get myself attached. I don't know what will happen in the near future or if it will make a difference at all but I'm determined to try.
They say that you will never know unless you try, this path that I have opted to follow will either leave me broken again or I will finally be healed which is my goal, and it's a risk I'm willing to take. Whatever outcome I will get, I will have to accept as it is and it's not like I will have an option anyway but I'm standing firm on my decision.
I'm also a bit afraid that I might like him more than I want to. And because of what I still felt for Alex, I don't want to fool myself into believing that I can feel the same for Samuel, because I know for a fact that whatever I might feel for him will only be lust which will last for a while but I still don't want to be in a position to feel something for someone who is not Alex.
For now I can only say a silent apology to the guy I'm about to leave broken-hearted.
*********
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