Part 14
A thousand pieces
We have been at the lawn for a while and I started dozing so he suggested we go to the room. I thought he was going to let me spend the night alone, after all he said but I was wrong. He told me that he can see how hurt I was and because it's his doing, there's no way he could leave me deal with it by myself. I loved the idea of him spending the night but I know it will only make things worse and I didn't want to argue with him so I let him hold me till I fell asleep. Him being there was already comforting even if I was hurting because of him.
I woke up and he wasn't there and the fact that he didn't wake me up to say goodbye made me upset.
I was upset but I have to carry on with my life and I have to decide if I will do so waiting on him or forget about him. Forgetting about him is however mission impossible for me.
I know I said I understood what he said and all of his reasons but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt. I was broken and I felt like he shot me, aiming for my fragile heart. But not even that made me hate him or never wanting to see him again. Every moment that passed by made me want him more.
I decided to wait for him and if I'm going to do that it means fully respecting his decision which means I should give him some space. And if I have to give him space, it means not calling or texting him. It doesn't matter if he will take a year to get ready. But one thing I know, I wasn't going to put my life on hold waiting for a forever which might not come.
He didn't show up, call or text for a whole week after the day he left me alone in bed. I didn't know if I should be depressed or worried but I felt both. I was starting to doubt if he meant all he said or maybe he just didn't want to tell me his truth because he was afraid that he would hurt me.
One week turned into two then three and he still hasn't reached out. I'm still sad for the way he said goodbye but I miss him everyday. Ever since the day I accepted him to share my bed with me, there was never a day I didn't wish he was here with me, teasing me and allowing me to tuck all of me deep into his skin. In his welcoming arms arms for little me, keeping me warm and making me feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. I have gotten used to these feelings and knowing that it won't be happening soon or ever leaves me shattered. How you love someone and leave them without saying a word? I didn't do anything to deserve such a distance.
I still feel so much for him and it only gets stronger from time to time. I never wished for any of these to happen, I was just some lazy girl on a Tuesday looking for a ride to the gate. And if he had dropped me off there, none of these would be happening.
Letter 3
Dear Mr The vanisher
I don't have words to explain how much I miss you
I can't find any words that can best describe what's on my heart
They are all an underestimation
They are not valid enough
Even if I wanted to say it out loud, it still won't be enough
How can I not miss you when all you gave me was life?
The more I convince my mind to let it all go, the more it feels like I'm cheating on my heart
There's void in my heart, a whole empty hole
It's all bare and blank,
There's nothing left for anyone
I gave it all to you clueless and you took it all away when you walked away
Worst part is, you didn't ask for it.
How am I ever going to get my life back?
After months of cuddling without any exchanged kiss, I still talk to strangers about you
Because you are no longer here, you don't want to hear from me
You want nothing to do with me
Because to you I was just another fling added to your list.
I miss you so much and you must think I'm crazy for missing something I never had in the first place. But do you blame me?
Yours
Heartbroken me
We have been at the lawn for a while and I started dozing so he suggested we go to the room. I thought he was going to let me spend the night alone, after all he said but I was wrong. He told me that he can see how hurt I was and because it's his doing, there's no way he could leave me deal with it by myself. I loved the idea of him spending the night but I know it will only make things worse and I didn't want to argue with him so I let him hold me till I fell asleep. Him being there was already comforting even if I was hurting because of him.
I woke up and he wasn't there and the fact that he didn't wake me up to say goodbye made me upset.
I was upset but I have to carry on with my life and I have to decide if I will do so waiting on him or forget about him. Forgetting about him is however mission impossible for me.
I know I said I understood what he said and all of his reasons but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt. I was broken and I felt like he shot me, aiming for my fragile heart. But not even that made me hate him or never wanting to see him again. Every moment that passed by made me want him more.
I decided to wait for him and if I'm going to do that it means fully respecting his decision which means I should give him some space. And if I have to give him space, it means not calling or texting him. It doesn't matter if he will take a year to get ready. But one thing I know, I wasn't going to put my life on hold waiting for a forever which might not come.
He didn't show up, call or text for a whole week after the day he left me alone in bed. I didn't know if I should be depressed or worried but I felt both. I was starting to doubt if he meant all he said or maybe he just didn't want to tell me his truth because he was afraid that he would hurt me.
One week turned into two then three and he still hasn't reached out. I'm still sad for the way he said goodbye but I miss him everyday. Ever since the day I accepted him to share my bed with me, there was never a day I didn't wish he was here with me, teasing me and allowing me to tuck all of me deep into his skin. In his welcoming arms arms for little me, keeping me warm and making me feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. I have gotten used to these feelings and knowing that it won't be happening soon or ever leaves me shattered. How you love someone and leave them without saying a word? I didn't do anything to deserve such a distance.
I still feel so much for him and it only gets stronger from time to time. I never wished for any of these to happen, I was just some lazy girl on a Tuesday looking for a ride to the gate. And if he had dropped me off there, none of these would be happening.
Letter 3
Dear Mr The vanisher
I don't have words to explain how much I miss you
I can't find any words that can best describe what's on my heart
They are all an underestimation
They are not valid enough
Even if I wanted to say it out loud, it still won't be enough
How can I not miss you when all you gave me was life?
The more I convince my mind to let it all go, the more it feels like I'm cheating on my heart
There's void in my heart, a whole empty hole
It's all bare and blank,
There's nothing left for anyone
I gave it all to you clueless and you took it all away when you walked away
Worst part is, you didn't ask for it.
How am I ever going to get my life back?
After months of cuddling without any exchanged kiss, I still talk to strangers about you
Because you are no longer here, you don't want to hear from me
You want nothing to do with me
Because to you I was just another fling added to your list.
I miss you so much and you must think I'm crazy for missing something I never had in the first place. But do you blame me?
Yours
Heartbroken me
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