Part 9

I know I said that the sleepover was a total mistake and will not happen again or at least that’s what I told him the day he came to apologize. But there is a part of me that longed to have him cuddle me all night long, feel his warmth and make me feel protected. He showed up the evening of the fourth day after school started. He apparently came to say hello, a hello that turned into a sleepover. This went on for about a month. He would come sleepover every after two days and I would spend the weekends at his place. I started getting comfortable so much that I didn’t see anything wrong with it any longer, I was just happy for whatever we were doing and glad that I have someone to go to after a long day. I however made sure that my friends do not find out because they ought to ruin it all fall for me the minute they find out. Since Alex was at literary staying at my room, I gave him my spare key so he locks up whenever had an early class or if he has to come over but I’m not there (maybe at a friend’s or at the library. I was so busy going to dinners and movies or enjoying his company that I sometimes ignored my schoolwork. But if he learns that I have a homework or any schoolwork that I need to complete, he would make sure that I do it and I loved that he cared about my future.

Anyone, someone might wonder what we do during our sleepovers. I will tell, we talk and cuddle all night long and sleep late especially during weekends. Since the day I told him that I couldn’t let him kiss me, he never attempted even once ever again which means we haven’t been intimate either.

One night when he didn’t come over and I wasn’t spending the night at his place, I remembered something he once said, that all he has been doing for the past six years was just flings and it got me asking myself if he really meant it when he said that I’m just a friend and he doesn’t do flings with friends. I wonder if that changed or if this is just what he does every winter, get a personal person blanket that he will get rid of when winter is over and spring has started. To make myself feel better a wrote him a letter

Letter 1:

Who are you and where did you come from? Who sent you? What did you do to me? I need to know, I need to understand all that is happening to me right now. I think I’m addicted to you, I can’t find no better word that suits this the best. I don’t even know how it came to this, maybe I do but I never wanted to be in this position. The times that I’m not with you makes me feel something strong towards you, it is even deeper when we are together. I miss you every time you are away from me and I don’t understand how this could be if we are literally always together. How do I get to miss you this much? What is wrong with me? I can’t even figure out what I feel, like what are these feelings? And most importantly, what do you want with me? I still don’t know if you feel anything for me but that’s not the point, what am I doing with you? What am I doing to myself for allowing all these to happen? What did you say you gave me again? Because this is insane, I want to say I’m not attracted and attached to you but I would be lying. I want to spend every minute with you and it has become a thing now. Your presence sends the whole of me to a whole new different place, somewhere I had never been before, somewhere amazing and a place I never want to leave. Your voice, your appearance in my dreams, the look in your eyes when you talk to me and everything about you makes me want to do things I never imagined I could. I want to have you for me and I know you don’t do serious but it doesn’t have to be. I’m willing to risk it all for you, whether it will break my heart, I would like to try this with you. I do not care how far it would go or if it will leave me shattered. Would you think about it? And consider? Would you change your ways for a while for me? Would you do anything of that kind for me? Would you? Because I’m ready.

Yours: Suzzie

I read the letter over and over again and though it is filled with a lot of questions, I know he wouldn’t have the answers for me therefore there is no point to have it sent to him so I kept it hidden in my file. Because of all that I have been thinking that night, I went to bed with a sour heart, something I haven’t done in a while. So sad

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